I Think, Therefore, I Am (Not?)

There's a state (of mind) I frequent, where every intent behind what is said and done feels falsified. Despite what most may deduce, for instance, there's no part of me that innately fears rejecting others; the low frequency 'no' uttered from dry lips is not for lack of ability to deny those around me. I don't struggle with the word, or the concept. In fact, I'd much rather negate most requests with the singular syllable. What I do struggle with is the prospect of disappoint, the knowledge that another may think less of me if I do less for them. So, my state (of mind) remains at an actualised point of altruistic egocentricity, one where the desire to do for others becomes deluded by the desire to save myself the stress of overthought.

But the overthought leaks anyway. I plaster the cracks with the concrete I use to ground myself, the recollection of actions surrendered to the sovereignty of sympathy. A patchwork pipe of those who've wronged me, of flowchart reasonings built to deduce who they learned to wrong from. I lend my lesion-learnings down to the lower pedestal, hope to relinquish them of blame. And with each attempt to defend their name, I forego the knowledge of my own learned experience. The simple truth of shame, the mere predicate that forms the discomfort of indignity; another's waivered guilt is but parasitical in being, bounces around the circumstance before claiming its saviour's home as its host.

I think, therefore, I am (not?). I ask myself, where does morality hide when all that remains is resentment? Wherever she resides, I imagine those of a Bentham and Kant likeness to be, drowning in the overthought surrounding intention that drips doubt through my patchwork of plaster and streams into the bowels of my self worth, and then sinks deeply with a sorrowful psalm of self loathing.

Perhaps, at some point, my state (of mind) will be furnished with enough fervency to utter the singular syllable. But, for now, I'd rather not disappoint.

~

A wee piece wrapped in virtue ethics, touching on the darker nuance of action and intent. It can be so difficult to establish boundaries advocating for respect when you don't feel as though your needs are reasonable, or indeed worthy of protection. Learning to understand that, despite everyone deserving compassion, I don't owe people near what I think I do. Compassion is for the self, too. So, for now, I'm working on doing my best and leaving the rest, even if that may sometimes be what I feel is at the expense of others' needs :)

Cover image centres the Four Cardinal Virtues, for all my philosophy folks out there xxx